The real problem isn't that you put yourself last. That's just what it looks like on the surface. Underneath it is something you've been protecting all along: the fear that you won't be loved or valued for who you really are.
A lot of women come to me certain the problem is communication or compatibility or some specific thing he's doing, and while those things can be real sources of stress, they're not the deeper issue. What I see more often is a woman who abandoned herself a little at a time, in ways that felt completely reasonable. Whether she kept the peace instead of saying what she really wanted, or made excuses for him, or fell for who he could become, or became the perfect partner who never asked for too much, or made herself so needed that leaving stopped feeling possible.
"As long as I stayed focused on him, I never had to feel how scared I was of not being loved."
You didn't abandon yourself all at once; you just kept making small trades, giving up your honesty for his comfort and your needs for the relationship's stability and your self-respect for the feeling of being connected. There's no shame in any of that, but it won't get you what you want.
Real change doesn't come from figuring everything out, it comes from turning around and seeing what you're avoiding and how you've been abandoning yourself with very subtle strategies, all because you're so afraid of not being loved.
Here are the five ways I see women do it. You'll probably recognize yourself in at least one of them.
The Fixer
"If I love him enough, he'll change."
She falls in love with the idea of who a man could be instead of who he is in reality.
Read about The FixerThe Understander
"I get why he is the way he is, so I let it slide."
She can see the wound behind his behavior, and all that understanding is the reason her own hurt never gets dealt with.
Read about The UnderstanderThe Good One
"If I'm the perfect partner, I'm safe and worthy."
She earns her place by being easy to love, and the performance keeps the real her hidden.
Read about The Good OneThe Quiet Knower
"I already know. I just won't tell him."
She knows exactly how she feels about the relationship. Her friends know too. He's the only one who doesn't.
Read about The Quiet KnowerThe Needed One
"He needs me, so this must be love."
She makes herself the one he can't do without, and being needed has taken the place of being wanted.
Read about The Needed OneNot sure which one is running your relationship? Take the quiz and find out in a few minutes.
And if you already know which one you are and you're ready to do something about it, that's where 1-on-1 coaching begins. We don't start with the relationship between you and him, we start with the relationship you have with yourself.